Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Private Parts

There have been a number of congressmen who for one reason or another have been compelled to film themselves in various states of undress...and next week I will join them so to speak, but for much more logical and practical purposes.  Being the big 5-0 means it is time for my very first colonoscopy.  My primary care physician is sending me to one of the best endoscopic "guys" in the country...he is referred to by his peers as "The Wizard with the Wand".  Hmmm.  It is a good thing I have a sense of humor or I could be the butt of some jokes...but seriously folks...

I began the pre-op preparations yesterday, stopping my vitamins and iron supplements.  Today, no more aspirin or blood thinners.  This weekend starts the "low residue diet" unappealing is that.  I, being a self-proclaimed foodie, see this as a challenge and the chance to eat stuff that has been forbidden for years...look out squishy white bread...woohoo, here I come!

Breakfast looks like Special K cereal, skim milk and sliced bananas, (the only fresh fruit I can eat), herbal tea and for my protein requirement, eggs whites seasoned with  dried dill.  I can have some white bread toasted...but why bother, really?

Lunch is shaping up to be a piece of white fish or low sodium vegetable soup,  steamed string beans and some canned skins.  I can have skim milk, clear apple juice or seltzer to drink.  Of course I have to drink lots and lots of water too.

Dinner just might be sauteed chicken breast, marinated in soy sauce, the juice of freshly grated ginger and  cumin.  I can have baked sweet potato, applesauce and more steamed green beans.  There is no mention in the diet plan about a glass of white wine...I'll have to ask someone about that!!

Sunday will be a variation of that stated above. Most herbs and spices, onions, garlic are all verbotten therefore it looks like dining will not be about depth of flavor.  I will also be weaning myself off caffeine starting Friday...who needs a caffeine withdrawal headache when you have a camera you know where!

The real challenge comes on Monday...the all liquid diet!!  I have my chicken and vegetable broth, lemon and orange Jello (no red or pink jello allowed) and National Lampoon's Animal House has put me off green jello forever.  I have lots of Sprite, seltzer and the 3 bottles of magnesium citrate, lemon flavored...for the actual colon cleansing! 

Good colonoscopy is scheduled for 9 am on Tuesday.  I should be in recovery by 10:30 am and on the road by noon...where to make reservations for lunch, that is the question!

All kidding aside, this procedure as uncomfortable and embarrassing as it may seem is truly important.  Colon cancer has very few obvious symptoms and the colonoscopy is the best diagnostic tool available to catch it early on...of course, eating a healthy diet, rich in antioxidants and fibre ,exercising, limiting alcohol consumption, maintaining a healthy weight, not smoking and knowing your family history go along way to preventing or early detection of colo-rectal cancer.  It is sad and surprising to note the number of people I know who have suffered with this disease.

My husband is accompanying me to my appointment...I am not allowed to drive myself home after the procedure...anesthesia...and I am certain that if allowed, he will sit in on the procedure, asking questions.  He may just get a copy of the endoscopic procedure...he still has his gallstones in a jar in his nightstand...gross, I know...let's just be glad he's not on Facebook...but he does have a Twitter account...Anthony Wiener may have some free time on his hands soon, maybe he'd like a look at....Nah! Fuhgedabowdit!