Monday, September 26, 2011

Cinéma...Vérité ?

One of my favorite SNL skits comes from the minds of Amy Poelher and Seth Myers...they observe insane, inane stuff from current events and then posit..."Really?".  I have lifted this schticky behavior for my own amusement as I observe the world, but this weekend, it took on a darker, more serious note. Really...well you be the judge.

Bill and I opted to go to the movies rather than watch the Red Sox choke once again on Saturday.  Ironically, we went to see Moneyball, a movie about baseball, starring Brad Pitt.  Normally,  I am not a BP fan, but I love America's favorite pastime, (except when the Sox are in a nose dive in the standings) and Bill, who doesn't care what we see at the movies, really wanted to see this.

We went to the theater to catch a late afternoon show, with plans to go out to dinner night!  We bought our tickets and entered Cinema 9, to a room  half filled with lots of middle aged talky teens with smart phones glowing in the dark.

After turning off our cell phones, we watched the coming attractions, making mental notes of things that look interesting...Hugh Jackman...always "interesting", wink, wink...Ben Stiller and Eddie Murphy...that could be really, really.   Movie about cancer...not so much...The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo...for real I am going to see that!

I don't know about you, but when the lights come down and the coming attractions are on the screen, my movie going experience has begun.  I don't talk or whisper...I hold my husband's hand, give it a squeeze if I see something of note for later conversation and enjoy his company and whatever world to which I am about to be transported.

If I had some movie sound effects, this is where you would hear the screeching sound of a record being scratched as the needle mercilessly rips across its tracks...enter two 30-something ladies and a large brown paper bag...really?  Seating themselves in the two seats right behind us....really?  The theater is half pick those seats...really?  Let me add an important side note here...I hate it when people walk behind me.  I shiver as if someone walked over my should see me at restaurants when waitstaff come up behind me...I practically jump out of my skin and well, the seats behind us...really?

I also believe I suffer from Misophonia...the visceral dislike of certain sounds.  Just ask my family what happens when they chew with their mouths open or God forbid, gulp.  It makes me ill...really.  There are some days when it gets so bad I have to leave the room for fear of snapping at someone.  So imagine my joy when 2 ladies and a brown paper bag break out smaller bags and open said brown shopping bag, filled with popcorn...and they started doling it out...talking all the while, really!  Not whispering...not quietly, but a full on conversation about popcorn and what does a dragon tattoo got to do with that movie?  Really!!??

Being the subtle sort, I gave the noisemakers a long glance over my shoulder...making note that the woman seated one seat over from me too was making a glance askance.  For a brief all knowing moment, our eyes locked and we telepathically observed., "REALLY???".

Moneyball is a movie about baseball.  Actually, it is about baseball management.  There is no overture or swelling soundtrack.  No car chases or crashes...just lots of dialogue.  There is baseball history and trivia contained therein as well.  And one popcorn CARR-unching, lipsmacking lady knew EVERYTHING about baseball. or so she thought..."Hatteberg...I didn't know he played for the Red Sox!"... really... and had to share it with the other bag wrinkling, popcorn snarfer, who only wanted to know which one is David Justice...because as everyone in earshot now knew he beat up Halle Berry when they were married....really.

So over the course of the first twenty minutes, I would tense up at the annoying sounds and think...I could bop these two...really.  Should I say something?   Should we move?  Move? Really? I don't think so.

I realized I was becoming my own nuisance when my dear husband, squeezed my hand, hard...really hard.  I then promised myself to offer it up. 

Things went along okay for a while and the story drew me in...until I came rushing back to reality when one of the brown baggers grabbed the back of my seat and the collar of my shirt as she hoisted herself up out of her chair and in the worst stage whisper ever, proclaimed she was going to the bathroom and then to get some drinks....really!?....I mean really?!

After what seemed too soon, she returned with two of the largest ice filled mega-gulps the concession stand provides.  And the noise began anew.  REEEally.

In short order, the beverage portion of the purchase was consumed.  I know because that gawd-awful sound a straw makes when there is nothing liquid left in a cup cascaded over my loudly that I actually missed some dialogue...really! And the shaking of the cup to assure oneself no liquid was available was akin to a rattle snake...which if there was one I would have begged it to bite someone to end the misery!   It could be too that the blood pounding headache that was forming in the back of my brain was ebbing through my eardrums further exacerbating my misophonia. I was on the edge..until...

God bless my husband...he started to laugh know, shoulders bouncing up and down, heading wagging from left to right and he pinching his nose so he wouldn't snort.  I looked over at him, in think this is funny?  Really? 

It was then I knew not only does my husband have a wicked sense of humor, but so does God and his timing is perfect...the woman seated one seat over whips her head over her shoulder and says, "Could you make some more noise?  I can still hear the movie!"  And get this, she finished by saying... "Really!!"...really!

I had to put my head between my knees to stifle the guffaw.

With one last shake of their ice, 2 ladies and a brown bag were quieted.  Really.

We enjoyed the movie.  We are probably going to catch it on see what we missed.

So, if you know someone like our popcorn nemesises, tell them of those of us who suffer from Misophonia and bring to light that if they like to talk through movies and munch popcorn like they are eating rocks, it would be a great kindness to please find a seat away from others, or better yet...stay home and rent a movie...really.


  1. Love it!!! And you really should do NaNoWriMo. I've signed up, but I'm delusional. I don't know how I can make it with home & family, work, community theatre board work, theatre in general, and trying to squeeze in a class (that I'm about to drop, because my brains is fried and I'm struggling and something's gotta' go, and that's all I can let go at the moment). But YOU... you should do it!!!

  2. Priceless - really!